My single mom life story.
More of a story about how great God’s love is.
Disclaimer: I am not a “real” writer by any means. I have put this subject off for a long time now. Waiting for the right time. Maybe years so I could really polish my writing. Maybe years for what some critics would agreeably consider to be a respectful amount of time to discuss the events. I thought well let me build a platform in which to tell this story first by creating my blog, attracting readers with crafts, recipes, and some small heart topics. Then once I have a platform I will share. I have a huge passion for ministry. My heart is to minister to other ladies. God has put somethings on my heart and I have been stalling. I’ve been making excuses. I decided my excuses not to pursue God’s plan stops today. I was reminded that the devil comes to destroy me. He does this in a very sneaky way. The devil tells you a small sliver of truth followed by a big fat lie, in hopes that you believe it all. The lies the devil has been telling me sound a lot like the reasons I listed above… you’re not a real writer, no one really reads your blog, you don’t have a ministry yet, you’re too busy right now and the lies go on and on. So this is my lengthy disclaimer. I’m not perfect. I’m just me. This is my story. My prayer is that my story will meet a momma out there and inspire her, give her hope and remind her that God’s love for her is bigger than she will ever know.
I was a stay at home to a five year old little girl, two year old little boy and another little boy on the way. I loved being a mommy and wife despite the issues that were starting to unfold in my marriage. I read books and articles to better understand what a God honoring wife looked like and how that applied to my life. I wanted so badly to have a successful marriage and family. A Proverbs 31 woman was who I aspired to be. My husband at the time started to stay out later and longer than a normal work day. He worked for himself so hours shifted often depending on the situation, this was common. Then it got to the point that he was sleeping at work and making excuses to not come home. When he spoke to me he was very harsh with his words and often yelled now. I reached out to an elder lady in the church. She knew me and my family so there was history in our relationship. She suggested I go to a meeting for women one night at church. I got a sitter for the children and I went. The meeting was very uncomfortable for me to sit through. It was a meeting for abused women. Abused physically and mentally. I left thinking maybe she misunderstood me, I’m not being abused. My husband hasn’t laid a hand on me and what is mental abuse anyways? My husband isn’t romeo but mentally abusive just sounds so harsh. I went to a church counselor and shared my story with her. I’ll never forget what she said to me. She said I am not a fan of divorce and I do not promote it but what you are describing to me sounds like a very dangerous man and you need to get your ducks in a row to prepare yourself to be a single mom. I left thinking maybe her response was a little extreme. It wasn’t a week later I received an email about mental abuse. It described mental abuse. It described what type of person a mental abusive person is, how they break down someone, as well as the victims thought process. It was my marriage to a T. Here is a very small (kind of vague in comparison to others that took place) example of a conversation we had one day while I was pregnant with our third child, he had been sleeping at his shop and I had confronted him about adultery. First he yelled and screamed at me for ever accusing him of such a thing (which is usually a sign of guilt) I apologized several times (because usually the victim of abuse ALWAYS feels false guilt) His response to me was “No one will ever want you, look at you, you’re about to have three babies. Well, maybe if they are desperate enough.” I believed it. With everything in me I believed it. I was broken and he knew it. He did it. I allowed it. Mental abuse is a silent identity killer. Mental abuse can eat you up from the inside. I believe it is a topic that not many are aware of. I believe it is something that the devil is using to destroy young girls in particular.
I was starting to open my eyes so to speak about my life, my marriage. I could see now that my husband was not in line with God’s will and at this time I could not follow him. I had to do what was best for my children and myself. I was going to seek God and pray like crazy for my husbands salvation. Over the next few months things started to unfold quickly. I remained in prayer and honored my husband in ways I could. I am not saying make a mountain out of a mole hill ladies, but I am saying if you are facing a mountain do not dismiss it for a mole hill! I wanted so badly to honor my husband but I would not do so by pulling the curtain over on my conscience. Let me give you a few examples: adultery is NOT ok, drugs are not ok, lying is not ok, tax fraud is not ok, mental abuse is not ok, financial abuse is not ok. I had kept quiet for so long because I had been mislead that to honor and respect and submit to your husband he was allowed to do whatever he wanted and I was suppose to smile and carry on. I can not tell you how for so long the word submit made me vomit in my mouth every time I heard it. You see just like I said before… the devil likes to take a small bit of truth and mix it with a big bold face lie so that you will believe it all. I wanted to be a submissive wife. Does a submissive wife stand by while her husband is partaking in all the things I listed above? No! You can only be a submissive wife IF your husband is in line with God. If he isn’t then you are called to be submissive to God himself and pray your booty off for your husband.
At this point I’m sure you’re thinking that my husband snapped out of it, repented his sins and life is happily ever after. Not.at.all. This was when it got really hairy. My husband physically assaulted me while I was holding our six week old son. He left afterwards and I called the police. I filed a report. It wasn’t easy for me to do but events up to this point had snowballed so quickly. If I let there be a next time, that just might be it for me. Physical abuse is NEVER acceptable. There I was, a single mom of three small babies, 5,2 and six weeks old, with twenty dollars in my pocket. It was the hardest time in my life. It was the darkest valley I have ever been in. This is when my faith got real. That’s when God really showed himself to me. I had been praying so hard for my husband, so hard. God told me one night when I was standing on my back porch crying out to him, He said Baby girl, his burdens are not for you to carry. I have given him free will and this is what he has chosen. I will take care of you and these babies, watch what I will do. From that point on God opened doors I never thought possible. God provided for us like I could have never dreamed possible. There were friends that were God’s hands and feet that stepped in and brought us groceries, diapers, wipes, would pay our bills, fill my car up with fuel. It blew me away. Still to this day thinking back over all the ways he provided for us overwhelms me to tears. It wasn’t long after my husband caught wind that I had pressed charges that he filed for divorce. I started a new job. The folks that I was renting my house from were so gracious with me. I told them what had happened and they gave me a little grace period then they even reduced the rent for me so I wouldn’t have to uproot the children from the home we had been living in for two years. That in it’s own was such a huge blessing. Not that I wasn’t prepared to move, believe me I was because I knew it was a very serious possibility. To be able to stay in our home was just another way God took care of us. God provided an attorney that I could pay out over time after several meetings with attorneys that wanted a $10,000 retainer to even take the case. I would cry every night after I put the kids to bed. I never wanted them to see me be a mess. God’s word got me through. I would sing praise and worship songs, usually through tears I would sing them so loud. I was declaring God’s word over my situation. The spoken word is so powerful. I worked on rebuilding my self esteem and self imagine based on who God says I am. It wasn’t easy letting go of the lies I had been told for so many years. God was so gentle with me and would so graciously show himself to me everyday. God never let me down. There were many trials I faced during this time, with God by my side I overcame each one, just like He promised me.
God never said this life would be easy but He did promise He would never leave me/you. God’s love for you is bigger than you can imagine, I know first hand.
A few things I did that really helped me were: staying in God’s word. Seek wise Christian, bible based counseling. Listened to praise and worship music. Avoid country music like the plague. I read books by Christian authors about divorce and being a single mom. (Angela Thomas has some good ones). I would carry a notebook with me, just a small one so I could write things down as they came to me, maybe a line in a song or a certain scripture that really spoke to me. I vowed from the very beginning to never speak bad about my x husband in our children’s presence. Never. EVER. Children don’t understand and they don’t need to, they are children. If one parent speaks badly about the other to the child, the child takes it personally as if you are speaking that about them. After all they are made up of both of you.
This is all I have to share for now. I hate divorce but more than that I hate abuse. I know first hand that God can take your mess and turn it into a beautiful melody. His love for you is unfailing and never ending. He promises His plans are far better than our own. I know this. I’m living it. You can too. Seek Him!